Tesla Accused Of Organized Crime, Anal Itching In Crazy Flyer



There are lot of Tesla detractors out there (mostly employed by car dealers), but the writer of this paranoia-filled flyer took it to the next level. Among the many baseless accusations leveled against Tesla Motors are incidents of “anal itching” caused by vibrating seats and collusion with organized crime.

That’s honestly just the tip of this paranoia-dipped letter that’s also been laced with delusion and served alongside a hearty helping of Bad English (my favorite language, personally). Tesla is the primary target of this ramblings, with the writer accusing Elon Musk of patenting murder machines and colluding with the U.S. government in a bid to spy on the world. But the letter also takes aim at Google, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, and those dastardly, exploding lithium-ion batteries.

Or something.

It’s a real piece of work, this flyer, and apparently it’s being handed out to Google employees and Tesla owners alike in a bid to get them to return their electric cars and demand a refund. Don’t take my word for it though. Here are a few of the more damning quotes.

Tesla investors urged the Afghan invasion to get the lithium for the batteries in Tesla and the indium for Solynda and create a Silicon Valley VC Lithium monopoly to make a trillion $$ profit for themselves. So you are supporting a war if you drive a Tesla.

Tesla didn’t even exist when the U.S. invaded Afghanistan…

Tesla has multiple lawsuits currently filed against it for multiple deaths of bystanders, fraud. lemon law violations, and stock fraud. By diving a Tesla you are saying you have no morals.

Uh huh…

Tesla’s patent filings and now disclosed, internal documents say their batteries can kill and damage yet they went forward in order to profit off of Lithium Ion ore.

You don’t say?

Google, the worlds largest surveillance company, is a silent partner in Tesla. Tesla audio and location tracking can be remotely monitored with two clicks of a mouse. Google hushes up bad news about Tesla. By driving a Tesla you are supporting spying.

Google and Tesla, partners in crime?

Relative to the nurrber of cars sold, why has Tesla had so many Tesla drunk driver related crashes, deaths and Why are Tesla drivers killing innocent pedestrians simply because the Tesla’s ‘smell bad’.? Psychographic, demographic and marketing studies have been published showing that Tesla drivers have a higher-than average inclination towards drugs, strange sexual behavior and risk. Could this account for the number of Tesla crashes and deaths? Read the detailed evidence in the many lawsuits filed.

The Tesla Model S, a modern day Pinto? Naturally though, I saved the best for last.

Over 150 defects and problems per model about the Tesla have been documented on user-forums and in the press including: ‘Doors lock you in and out Bad if car on fire!’; ‘George Clooney Rips Tesla: Why Am I Always Stuck On The Side Of The F’cklng Road?’; ‘Tesla ‘Satisfaction’ survey authored by it’s own investors/fanboys; ‘Tesla seat vibration causes Anal ltching!’; ‘VAMPIRE POWER DEFECT slams entire Tesla Model S fleet”; ‘Numerous defects documented by owners online.’

And there you have it folks. What more could I possibly add to this conversation? Not a whole lot, but if you’re so inclined, you can read the whole rambling mess for yourself.


About the Author

A writer and gearhead who loves all things automotive, from hybrids to HEMIs, can be found wrenching or writing- or else, he’s running, because he’s one of those crazy people who gets enjoyment from running insane distances.

  • Jason Carpp

    I’ve seen lots of Tesla cars in the past couple of years, and I’ve only heard of one Tesla catch fire. So far, I’ve never heard of anyone getting killed in a Tesla. I think this is all unjustified paranoia to prevent people from buying a Tesla, or to prevent Tesla from building more cars.

    • Or to see the words “anal itching” published on a thousand websites.

      • Jason Carpp

        LOL! Probably!

  • Mb

    Beyond funny, but hey unlike many parts of the world the American consumer can think for himself and most of the time just takes this sort of slander slop in stride. If you could track down mr anonymous Maybe George clooney could sue him for the made up a quote ?

    • Burnerjack

      Yeah, the consumer can think for him/her self, true. The history of American industry has been to confine the choices available, usually somewhere between shitty and shittier. This is what the import influx shattered. After that influx, the American consumer became what pimps in the 70’s used to call prostitutes beyond their control: “Bitch outa pocket”. This is the difference between contrived capitalism and contrived choice with the real version. The real version drives efficient markets and innovation. The former yields stagnation and waste. Along with undeserved wealth for the sycophants.

    • UKGary

      Speaking of Slander, it’s just as well Christopher made clear he didn’t support the allegations. Under law, a document such as a printed flyer is published only in the jurisdiction in which the flyer is given out, but for something published on the internet, the rules are very different.

      A blog is published in every jurisdiction in which it is accessible – so that an aggrieved slander victim could for example bring a slander law suit in London where damages running into millions can be awarded by a court even if the article is written in the US where slander awards are generally much smaller.

      Likewise, an article which does not contravene the law where it is written could become an offence when published on line and made accessible elsewhere e.g. In the UK, there is no specific law prohibiting Holocaust denial, however if a UK author denies the Holocaust in a blog, he/she can face a European arrest warrant issued by a judge in Germany, Austria or one of several other EU countries where Holocaust denial is an offence.


      • While you are technically correct (arguably, the best kind of correct), collecting on foreign judgements has been historically difficult. That said, you’ll note our sidebar disclaimer. 😉

  • OMG- dollars to donuts this is that JIm guy that used to spam our Tesla articles’ comments.

    • J_JamesM

      My thoughts exactly. It has a certain breathless flair to it.

  • Burnerjack

    Wow! If these guys were any more desperate and panicked, they might stoop low enough to build a competitive product. Or not…

  • J_JamesM

    The reason none of this is supported by facts is because the facts are being covered up! Honest!

  • Nima

    So any nut job with a printer and no real job can basically be indirectly published and heard across multiple “reputable” sites on the internet for having made a flyer?!
    I can’t figure out whether people are so outraged that they had to write about this idiot or that they’re just so desperate to have Tesla news that anything qualifies.
    Do you know how you make an idiot look like and feel like an idiot? by ignoring him! so please stop reporting and/or talking about a lunatic’s ramblings!

    • You’re over thinking it. We just look for an excuse to use the words “anal itching” in an article.