Op-Ed: a Cadillac ELR Will Help You Get the Golden Girl of Your Dreams
Cadillac is hoping that the upcoming ELR hybrid will help the brand finally shed its septuagenerian image and entice young, hip, brand-conscious buyers into its California showrooms and turn the tide against the import brands that hold the lion’s share of California’s luxury car market. There’s only one problem with that plan: this is a car specifically designed to appeal to aging baby-boomers.
I’m sure a lot of you will want me to be wrong about that. I get it. You like the car. You like that it’s a hybrid, and maybe you’ve even found a way to convince yourself that – like the Volt! – it’s really an electric car. It’s a coupe, and you think all coupes are sporty and fun. Besides, Jay Leno likes it, and you think Jay Leno is as cool as a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
If you believe that, you are seriously deluded. Here’s why.
Before we go much further, let me get one thing perfectly clear: the Cadillac ELR will sell. It is, in many ways, the perfect car for Cadillac’s traditional clientele who appreciate things like a smooth, quiet ride and living out their pension without too many of the economic hiccups associated with uncertain oil prices. It’s perfect for little old ladies who “only drive to Church on Sundays and to the Piggly Wiggly every other Thursday”, because they’ll rarely (if ever?) need to gas the thing up.
Besides that, those same little old ladies remember a time when Cadillac was the standard of the world – even if, by now, it was a little before their time. They believe coupes are sporty and fun, and not at all a massive pain-in-the-ass to cram kids, tools, and flat-packed house-y things to, because they haven’t had to worry about kids for decades, they call a handyman when something’s broken, and their house already has plenty of furniture. Oh, and it will only cost around $65,000, approximately the cost of weekly dialysis treatments.
You see what I’m getting at, right?
In case you’re dense, let me let you in on the Cadillac ELR’s dirty little secret. It is the PERFECT car to pick up a Golden Girl with. Maybe you like the trashy Southern one or the Easter European blonde one. Maybe you want to be dominated by the ex-marine who was called “over aggressive“. By the US Marines. In wartime.
Wherever your tastes regarding the AARP/GILF crowd conspire to take you, though, the Cadillac ELR will see that you get there with a 35 mile all-electric range that can be easily extended by the car’s 207 hp gasoline engine, which puts its power to the ground through a set of massive 20″ chrome wheels.
“Chrome is still cool, right?” asked the 80 year-old GM executive.
Expect the 2014 Cadillac ELR to start clogging golf club parking lots sometime later this year/early 2014, and let us know which sexy, sexy retiree you plan on taking to the early bird special with yours in the comments, below.